Weighted Words.

Last night was the first night in a long time that I intentionally said something hurtful to someone I care about, my father. We have a complicated relationship, I'll leave it at that. I have many vices, but typically outward emotional reactions is not one of them. I’ve protected many people and relationships in my life by learning early that words can’t be unsaid, so in times of turmoil it’s most important to choose them carefully. Language is pure magic: it’s our most powerful gift as humans, but we can use it against ourselves. Regardless of what language you speak, your intent manifests your word, which in turn manifests your life.

If you’ve never read The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, I highly advise that you do. It’s a short book, about 140 pages written by this thoughtful little man from Mexico who is simultaneously a surgeon and a hippy. The 4 agreements are vows he has made to follow in his life that have led him to personal freedom and happiness.

In his book he discusses of this phenomena that the Toltecs called mitote, and defined it as the chaos of a thousand voices all trying to talk in the mind at once. You probably already know what he’s talking about because it is something we combat each day. We’re constantly talking and listening to ourselves, sometimes without any awareness at all. All of these thoughts aren’t necessarily compatible with each other, causing inner conflict. My mitote tribe is especially noisy when I’m conversing with the person that I fought with yesterday, and I let the conflict in me hurt him.

Before I proceed, you need to understand why these actions are causing me such guilt. The man I am talking about has lost everything he loves, has been in financially ruin for the past 15 years, and has a very unrealistic view of the world and people around him. Most people that know him would say he is to blame for his own issues, but I have grown to understand that my father thinks far too differently to coexist with the society in which he lives.

As I am the person in the relationship that recognizes his struggle, I am obliged to be much more sensitive to his needs than he is to mine. My goal for the past several years has been to help him view the world in a less cryptic and paranoid way, and to find a way to form healthy relationships that stem out of love rather than condition. Last night I was disappointed in him, so I reacted. Nothing terrible was said, but it was more honest than I’d ever been with my opinions about his life. Due to his emotional barriers, I know that the conversation we had was unproductive, as well as misunderstood.

Takeaways:

• We are all imperfect people, with different strengths and different weaknesses. But our job is to recognize those individually and do our best with where we’re at.

• There are times in your life that you will be in a position to help or hurt someone that may have caused you pain. Always choose the former.

• Don’t take things personally. It’s ignorant to think that the entire emotional complex of a human being is based on you alone.

• Spread love like wildfire. It will heal the world and you simultaneously.

~Soph xo